One page a day

Procrastination is time consuming. I’ve kept putting off the yucky editing that needs to happen, so finally I committed to one page a day at minimum. If I’m slow, that will take me 219 days of working on the novel. I’m hoping this will really help me to get it done, instead of leaving it unfinished. The whole thing looks like a mess, and I’m hoping it starts to flow soon, like it did so happily for juicy periods while I was writing it.

The muse needs to be worked daily, and editing is my least favorite way. Right now I’m trying to tease it into action by determined procrastination and doing other projects, such as working on the collage elements of my vision board. Already the board has been helpful – to play with images, quotes, and shapes that are creatively inspiring or triggering in good ways.

Things have started to flow in my life in general, and I’m hoping to continue this run of good energy and luck – and holy shit I want it to be contagious as much as divinely possible.

Only God Knows Why – Kid Rock
Love Comes Quickly – Pet Shop Boys

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Don’t give me that line

The patient held up his hand with an indecipherable sound. I looked down to see him holding up his IV line like a bloody trophy. He was so proud of himself for getting it entirely out of his neck, looking to me with a grin for praise or something as he scratched and scraped the remaining tape off with his blood covered fingers. Blood was pulsing and running thickly onto his pillow and I knew the day was going to be an eventful one.

Luckily there was a team of nurses nearby to hear my calm but urgent request for help. They came running and pretty much exploded into action. I’ve heard of but never seen anyone rip a line out, much less out of their neck. I’d hazard a guess that he had a history of drug abuse or neurological damage, but I will never know.

Yikes. Just another day at work. Super glad I will be starting my new job soon. I guess l’ll miss the excitement and interesting things I see while working in a level one trauma center, but some shit I could fully do without. No more prisoner patients in chains, no more smelling horrific infections, morgue runs, and no more post-op or even pre-op gore. No more walking 40-60 miles a week, working every holiday, and constantly training new employees. Phew.

And really, every time I see patients in the hospital for any stretch of time, I get sad, because even if they recover fully, they’ll probably be bankrupt from the cost of the health care they received.

Doctor, Doctor – Thompson Twins

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It won’t happen again

What a joy to wake up with a bit of energy and excitement, ready to implement some ideas that have been churning around for a while. Something about not sleeping well for endless nights, until finally I hit a break through – or crash spectacularly. Luckily it’s the former this time.

Whatever the reasons, today it’s time to celebrate having a clean slate for the day, the week, the year, with some room to maneuver. We have a vision board art night planned – perhaps that will help me visualize things even better.


Won’t Happen – Ten Fe
Crazy in the Night – Kim Carnes


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Aural equivalents

Headphones on, lying on the floor with only the Christmas tree lights on. Listening to any music I can find that feels like the aural equivalent of warm caramel being poured over me. Taking some moments to feel gratitude for so many many things today.

Summer in Berlin – Alphaville
Coast to Coast – Elliot Smith
Red Earth and Pouring Rain – Bear’s Den
No Blue Skies – Lloyd Cole
Don’t Answer Me – APP
So in Love – OMD
The Fat Lady of Limbourg – Shivaree
Nikita – Elton John
Here With Me – Dido
Crazy – Icehouse
Caroline – Concrete Blonde
Goodnight Moon – Shivaree
Said I Love You…But I Lied – Michael Bolton (don’t judge)

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Touch Deprivation, part 1243

In an embarrassing little twist, my housemate told me a story where the punchline was someone getting treating for a porn addiction.


I had wondered if she was monitoring the wifi connection (my paternal unit was very paranoid, I think I picked that up by accident), but I didn’t worry too much about it. Nor did I think I was watching that much porn. Really, you only need a few minutes to get things…done and take the edge off. When you’ve been alone as long as I have, a few orgasms sometimes soothe the knife edge of touch deprivation and soul deep loneliness that I try not to think about.

You’re supposed to have 18 hugs a day for optimal health – healthy touch is super important. Thank goodness for friends with hugs when I need them; and I’m aware of when I need to ask for them. But right now I just need a few minutes…

Let’s Put the “X” in Sex – KISS
Everybody’s Lonely – Jukebox the Ghost

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Lost without stillness

In less than a generation, we’ve become a society of people walking around with a phone glued in front of our faces. It’s eerie, weird, disturbing, even though smart phones are super convenient – like a portable library of Alexandria and all the accessible knowledge of the human experience at our fingertips. But the majority of the time, I doubt they’re used for anything so lofty. Who was it that said something about how the internet is only used to bully people we’ve never met and watch cat videos?

The next time you’re out in a public place, imagine trying to interact with the people around you, whether to say a basic greeting, to ask directions, or to talk at all. Is everyone around you wearing headphones and on their phone? Kind of difficult isn’t it, and for something that’s supposed to connect us, it seems that smart phones isolate us even more.  I don’t know if it’s related, but I’ve seen a huge rise in impatience and bad manners – when you’re used to instant gratification from the screen in front of you, how could real life possibly compare?


Slow Hand – Pointer Sisters
Let’s Be Still – The Head and the Heart


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My Lyft driver tonight was remarking with envy on my single, childless life. Marriage can be hard, and kids are expensive; no matter how wonderful they are or aren’t, there’s the physical struggle of being able to afford all the food, clothing, and shelter – and all the other things a family “needs” these days.

In the spirit of that conversation, here are some things that I am grateful for that are products of being single and childless:

No diapers, I can drink out of any bottle in the fridge, I don’t have to consult anyone, can wing it and not plan anything, minimum responsibility, lots of freedom, ability to have fun adventures, able to have fun adult adventures, easier budgeting and taxes, don’t have to apologize for snoring or any of my habits, can read anything, eat anything, study anything, volunteer anywhere, give money away if I want, without some dude giving me crap about it, or children depending on me. And most of all, I can be free and comfortable in my own skin; wrinkles, rolls, imperfections, and all.

Hmmm. Not that comfortable, come to think of it, but it’s a work in progress.

Satellite – Guster
Kiss This – The Struts
I’ve Changed (Alternate Version) –  The Josh Joplin Group
Living In A Moment – Ty Herndon

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Next time I fall

And there it is again, blowing in on that cold winter wind. I try to ignore it, combat it with proactive, pay-it-forward actions. Today I gave some money and warm coffee cake to a Street Roots vendor, and I start and end each day with prayers for wisdom and strength. Winter is always hard, for a variety of reasons. It’s too bad that my idea of career goals are not valued in our society. I wish I could make a living staying at home making art and writing, and baking cookies with foster kids.


Paralyzed – Rock Kills Kid
Heaven’s On Fire – KISS
An Honest Mistake – The Bravery
I Wanna Get Lost With You – Stereophonics
Lonely Won’t Leave Me Alone – Trace Adkins

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Heaven isn’t enough

What happens when threats of hell and promises of heaven are no longer enough to inspire good behavior in societies? Religions have huge problems, but some of the basic tenets are vital – they’re different versions of rules for humans to live together.

My version is pretty basic as well: strive to do better, be better every day, and don’t be a dick. Simple, to the point, and would make a good meme – because that’s what value systems have been reduced to in some ways in our short attention span world.

The Way To Your Heart – Soul Sister


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A fine state of affairs

I think about dating again and I just can’t. I’ve had too many horrific other things happen to me by men in my past, and it’s more than I can bear – at the moment – to have to go interview a bunch more, just looking for one viable decent one when no other ones even interest me. Men mostly scare the shit out of me, even though I’ve worked very hard to shed the nightmares and trauma of my past and approach each one with an open mind. Now I’m so gun shy that the entire process just makes me sad and jumpy and beyond lonely. It doesn’t seem to be worth it for the emotional upsets that dating causes. For now, it’s better to walk through alone and keep my stability as much as I can, without some impatient, un-compassionate dick who doesn’t understand to come plowing through and doing damage.

This wasn’t how I wanted things to be at all, and how sucky that it’s where I am anyway.


Fine State Of Affairs – Burton Cummings
Everybody’s Lonely – Jukebox the Ghost

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