My Lyft driver tonight was remarking with envy on my single, childless life. Marriage can be hard, and kids are expensive; no matter how wonderful they are or aren’t, there’s the physical struggle of being able to afford all the food, clothing, and shelter – and all the other things a family “needs” these days.

In the spirit of that conversation, here are some things that I am grateful for that are products of being single and childless:

No diapers, I can drink out of any bottle in the fridge, I don’t have to consult anyone, can wing it and not plan anything, minimum responsibility, lots of freedom, ability to have fun adventures, able to have fun adult adventures, easier budgeting and taxes, don’t have to apologize for snoring or any of my habits, can read anything, eat anything, study anything, volunteer anywhere, give money away if I want, without some dude giving me crap about it, or children depending on me. And most of all, I can be free and comfortable in my own skin; wrinkles, rolls, imperfections, and all.

Hmmm. Not that comfortable, come to think of it, but it’s a work in progress.

Satellite – Guster
Kiss This – The Struts
I’ve Changed (Alternate Version) –  The Josh Joplin Group
Living In A Moment – Ty Herndon

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I love airplane noise

I miss the touch and go strip and Navy airplanes overhead. I love silence too, but there’s nothing as cool as the auditory representation of humans being able to fly in what sounds like muscle cars in the sky. Fighter jets aren’t as achingly cool as biplanes – nothing is, but anything with wings is glorious.

With the rise in global threats and volatility, having fighter jets constantly circling overhead starts to sound soothing. Security theater perhaps, but then there’s always the bonus of Top Gun-type fighter pilot porn. Lmao. Which reminds me, I wonder if the fighter pilots ever think of me. Those dudes were full on hound dogs, with some bloody archaic views of women. Bummer. Probably good that they were so beige and uptight though, since I had manic/depression episodes up there where I would have taken on a naked squadron and had a damn good time. Until I crashed afterwards anyway.

Despite the nightmare of life while I lived there, I still have moments where I can’t bear to be parted from my favorite walk on the beach, or driving around the island on a hot summer night. Windows down, music up, and watching the lights circling in the sky,  pretending it was me in particular that they were protecting. Wishing someone would protect me from my family.

Hound Dog – Elvis
I Don’t Believe in If Anymore – Roger Whittaker
Jealous – Nick Jonas

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Heaven isn’t enough

What happens when threats of hell and promises of heaven are no longer enough to inspire good behavior in societies? Religions have huge problems, but some of the basic tenets are vital – they’re different versions of rules for humans to live together.

My version is pretty basic as well: strive to do better, be better every day, and don’t be a dick. Simple, to the point, and would make a good meme – because that’s what value systems have been reduced to in some ways in our short attention span world.

The Way To Your Heart – Soul Sister


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Down to your soul

I bought some art today; a tiny painting by a local artist who has a fascinating way with color and form. His style wildly stimulates my imagination, with images I couldn’t ever have dreamed up but completely love. Even better, he incorporates quotes and words into his paintings, which is arguably one of the coolest pairings on the planet.

You could argue that I am not financially in a place where I should be buying art, but in my world, these wee investments are necessary. 1.To show other artists that they are worth it, and to encourage them more than ever that it’s important to keep creating. 2. For the perpetual burst of creativity and color therapy that will now be on my wall, and 3. because as far as addictions go, I could do much much worse.

For local artists that I love: Brenda Dunn, Christopher Bibby, Brent Wear, Jeni Lee, Chris Haberman – and so many more, because there are lots of crazy talented artists around here. I love them all.

Man of Colours – Icehouse
All My Friends – The Revivalists
The Visitors – ABBA
So In Love – OMD

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Insomnia, Part 12,864

Holy crap I’ve crashed so hard this time that I feel debilitated by it – it’s affecting everything. Is it the sugar, the time of year, the lack of family, a vitamin deficiency, early menopause – WTF? I can’t sleep because I’m so jacked on anxiety and depression. I need a new counselor, want a different job, a new hope, a new everything.

Depression feels horrible, like someone beloved has just died, like I’m drowning in quicksand, and I know my brain is flooded with depression chemicals that also fool me into a state of panic and intense, wordless grief. I know this. I also know to focus on healthy input of all sorts when I’m struggling this hard. God damn though, some times feel like a brutal slog through a battle that I have no hope of winning, and is it really worth the fight? I know, I know. I promised I wouldn’t give up. Damn though. Everything hurts right now.

Let Love Speak Up Itself – The Beautiful South
Take This Waltz – Leonard Cohen


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Impossibly wrecked

I know a lot of people are like me – living paycheck to paycheck, with nothing to fall back on in case of seriously illness or injury. Luckily my housing situation is wonderful and amazing, but I could theoretically get evicted at any time and I need to make better long term plans. I don’t even have a dependable car to live in anymore, if it came to that.

In a perfect world I would take a year off from work, and get my head and my life a little more together. In the real world, I’m exhausted and not sure what the hell to do next. I feel useless and stupid and impossibly wrecked and beyond overwhelmed by technology and politics and ugh living in the city.  Is it wrong to secretly sabotage my bronchitis in hopes it will turn into a terminal case of pneumonia?


Borderline – Madonna

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But that kiss

There are moments in life where you have physical contact with another human and it sears you to the bone, sometimes dropping you to your knees. Those moments of energy exchange that are so intense, you remember them forever.

What are those moments for you?


High Blood Pressure – Dian James
Bearcat – Cecil Garrett
If I Only Knew Then – Jimmy “Soul” Clark

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I printed out the rough draft of my very first complete manuscript; how thrilling beyond words to see the stack of paper, all 219 pages. I don’t care that it’s rough in a zillion ways, and that now it’s time for the yucky editing part: revise, delete, revise, ugh.

But let me say it again that I’m so grateful for this time, for however long it lasts. The peace and space and the tools to stay healthy and work with my creative mediums.

You Can’t Buy My Love – Barbara Lynn
Last Shot – Kip Moore

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How exciting that hemp is finally legal to grow – I dream of being a hemp farmer sometimes. Hemp is an exquisite plant, with an amazing number of uses. I’m hoping the U.S. finally goes into producing hemp in a huge way. For food, for seeds, for fabric, and on and on – and especially for CBD, which has amazing medical applications.

I finally went to get some straight CBD tincture, still super tickled that I can walk into a store and pick up cannabis products of any sort. I’m willing to try anything to try to even out my brain chemicals, but definitely much prefer a natural product or solution as opposed to the pharmacological options pushed by western doctors. This one was made in the U.S., and it’s unflavored so I can add it to anything. It came with a CBD vape pen and let me just say that I tried it and it seems to work unbelievably well for anxiety. It kind of blows my mind that this option was out there, and now is attainable. Yowza.  I only had to wait decades, but better late than never. It’s like an early Christmas present – maybe it’s a portent of more magical things coming. Fingers crossed.


Last Shot – Kip Moore
Guilty – Billie Holiday

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Warm cookies in bed

Having an idealist and introverted nature is challenging when working in public healthcare. Today I finally admitted that I don’t feel up to it and I called in sick and made cookies instead. I sat around drinking hot chocolate and eating warm, caramel moonshine cookies, reading the news from around the world and wondering how to muster the energy and motivation to get up and go to work tomorrow – and knowing there’s really no other viable option.

I guess it’s back to the battle of the daily grind, and doing my best to hide the crippling pain of depression so that I can function enough to afford to even live. Time to update the CV and pray to god/goddess/FSM/BSOC. Maybe an offering of warm cookies as well – they did come out fantastic, even though I had to substitute caramel moonshine for some of the vanilla.

Still Got The Blues – Gary Moore

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