Lay your hands on me

I passionately hate going to the doctor. Even worse is when I have to see a new doctor and go through my whole history. It’s traumatizing for both of us I think. I’ve worked in health care for years, I know exactly what those facial expressions mean. There are a variety of reactions, but that one of sadness and pity always makes me cry. I try to not even look at their response, because 95% of the time, I can tell what it will be as soon as I meet them. The only good thing about it usually, is how impressed they are- that I’m not institutionalized, medicated to the hilt, lost in the cracks of our society. I am though, even though I’m what they might call “high functioning”.

My life isn’t too crazy these days because the cycles have reduced in intensity. Holy shit though. I’m still reeling. Everything was lost and found, and sent spinning in entirely new directions. I’m not sure what to make of it. I just wish I could let go of the past, forget my baggage, and most of all- I wish I could get over him. It’s only the masochistic perfectly trained victim complex- it will go away eventually.

ohhhhhh, come to think of it, I wouldn’t mind at all if the person who reappears from my past happened to be that neurologist doctor dude. He was naughty in some very fun ways.

Mantra today: Patience is not just a virtue, it’s the virtue. Insert another scream of frustration here. Dammit, I’m going biking for a couple of hours, that should help.
Love to all

Doctor, Doctor- Thompson Twins
Lay Your Hands On Me- Thompson Twins

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4 Responses to Lay your hands on me

  1. Hope says:

    I totally agree. I don’t go through my whole history with most of my doctors, but sometimes just having to deal with having a body at all makes me want to cry/scream/throw things. I just don’t make eye contact, so I never have to see the reactions. Not the greatest solution, but….


    • Right??? It always seems worse with Western doctors, but maybe that’s just my experience. They see a psych history and it’s all over in terms of respect or consideration. I keep hoping that if all of us speak out and keep talking about it, that might gradually change. xo


      • Hope says:

        I don’t have much experience with non-Western docs, so I can’t speak to that, but I definitely agree that as soon as they see you’re crazy, forget getting decent treatment from most doctors. When I go to the ER with an ulcerative colitis flare, I get treated like I’m a drug-seeker even though all I’m asking for is steroids. I mean, who wants those? All they do is make you fat and crazy. I had to change primary care doctors last year because mine wouldn’t give me asthma medication–she decided it was “just anxiety” and refused to give me ANY treatment. I switched docs and got a maintenance inhaler and, surprise, my asthma cleared up. Imagine that. *headdesk* The doctors should all have to go through being treated like that if they want to be allowed to practice.


      • OMG, I know exactly what you mean!!! It took me years to get an inhaler prescribed, everyone just assumed it was anxiety issues and they wouldn’t listen. What assholes doctors can be! It makes it even more wonderful when you do find a good one. I just don’t understand how such “intelligent” people can be so effing stupid about mental health issues. Drug seeking behavior for steroids??? That’s hilarious and tragic at the same time.


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