I see a lot of people who are closed down, brainwashed, stuck in reactive mode in their lives. I may be crazy as fuck, but I’m so grateful to be open; to mistakes, new experiences, learning, hope, happiness. I think it’s all the years of therapy, and having to delve into all the deepest, darkest corners of my heart and soul.
I don’t ever talk about it, but the first time a doctor suggested an inpatient hospitalization was when I was 19, and I’m so glad I jumped on it. A hospital was a safe place full of helpful people who want to help you to get better- and it was away from my sick and abusive family. The first place I stayed had all these classes and seminars: managing your time, stress, anger, medication, etc- all the skills you need to survive and thrive in spite of your mental illness. It was glorious, and unlike anything that you can get these days unless you have tons of money.
Those lessons were really what set me on the right path. My family certainly hated me getting better, and so do a lot of people. If you are sick, people feel superior, and they will kick you into the ground with no hesitation or regret. I think mental illness is one of those things- there’s the idea that you aren’t fit to survive, and it’s their holy fucking duty to take you out of the gene pool. Or even more evil: they encourage you to take yourself out, so that their hands don’t get dirty. It’s so hard to have hope for humanity, but I do anyway.
Today I am grateful for all the mean and unhealthy people who are no longer in my life causing distress and heartache. I wish them wisdom and insight, humility, compassion, and a fucking slap to their ignorant heads. Praying for evolution and education right now, and will keep working on the warm and fuzzies wherever I can.
Destroy Everything You Touch- Ladytron
Lost Cause- Beck
He Ain’t Worth Missing- Toby Keith
Hard Lesson- The Burned
The Last Time- Louis Armstrong
Oh L’Amour- Erasure
If You Needed Somebody- Bad Company
If I’d Been The One- 38 Special
Waiting For You- Narcotic Thrust
Only You- Yaz
Love You Like A Love Song- Selena Gomez
Changing- Airborne Toxic Event
Inside And Out- Feist
Extraordinary Way- Conjure One
Holding Out For A Hero- Bonnie Tyler
My Kinda Lover- Billy Squier
Closer- Tegan And Sara