I keep expecting my editor to fire me. I know there are journalism grads and younger, smarter people who would have all the skills she needs. Instead, she keeps having me work, and then she’s still publishing the articles I write, along with the photos I managed to take that don’t suck. I keep wondering if someone is bribing her or something. I know I must drive her a little crazy- her brain is clearly linear, organized, and totally efficient. And here I come; sparkly, spacey, off the wall artist. She even insists on having me take typing lessons on her time. That’s a little embarrassing, but completely appreciated. I took typing in high school, but my sister had just died, my brother had just been removed from my house for molesting me, and I was heavily medicated- so I learned basically nothing in the class.
It’s weird; this week has been so difficult, battling thoughts of self harm, fighting the waves of sadness and despair, and knowing that I have to hold on no matter what happens. I don’t always see any point and I have periods when I feel completely hopeless in a lot of ways. Then I remember all the amazing people who have helped me in tiny ways or incredible ways, and it gives me strength. I’ll take the boost where ever I can find it- god knows there’s no shortage of morons and assholes who will tear you down and encourage you to fail.
Spitting Games- Snow Patrol
Lay Low- Josh Turner