Shopping is a weird kind of battle, and shopping for clothes is awful. It used to be a bit of an addiction but now luckily I can usually channel it into less harmful places. But when I realized recently that I needed a new pair of jeans that fit, I was instantly stressed out. I don’t really like wearing pants, and have you seen the epic jean selection these days? It’s insane. I refuse to spend all day trying on one of a million varieties, and women’s jeans get ridiculously expensive in a hurry. I can’t do it, nor can I handle all those hours of being subjected to the masters of marketing in department stores. Instead, I got baked to tamp down the anxiety/panic, and went into the mall on a mission. Luckily my section was next to the entrance, in the men’s department, and I only had to walk through the cookware department – dear god that’s more dangerous than clothes – and one pair of 501’s later, bolted for the door. I felt like I’d gotten away with something, to be in and out so fast, and only purchasing exactly what I needed.
And yet, the rest of my shopping has been a little excessive the last few weeks, and I know it’s because I feel so blue. Nothing eases the ache of grief and loss, and it’s like this every fall, plus the loss of my friend, and holy hell it hurts. I work hard to be cool, be nice – I went to acupuncture, I’m using my light box, I got some more vitamin D, and I stepped up my exercise a bit.
Phew though, I really need hugs and cuddle time with someone I love. And yup, there comes temptation, in the form of a hot older man with a big ass truck. If life were different, I would totally be sluttier, but I’ll make do with the new pair of jeans that hug me, plus a giant stack of books and one very handy little toy. Well, plus a little mountain biking in the rain and mud/gravel. It’s like so much of life has been: a gritty, sweaty, messy search for a good view and a little happiness, even in the face of overwhelming sensory overload. So grateful for what I do have though.
Love to all
Forever In Blue Jeans – Neil Diamond
I Feel You – Schiller
N/A OK – USS
Go – Chemical Brothers
Love Is A Shield – Camouflage