Bipolar getting older

The whole thing was awful, but every now and then I get a little giggle because I’ll bet they never saw that letter coming. Given what I’ve read in the news since then, I like to think it really did have an impact. However, I hope to God that the Blue Angels guy getting demoted around the same time was just coincidence. On the other hand, some things needed to be addressed with that crowd. A giant phallus was painted on the roof of their hangar? Wow, that’s ridiculous. I’m sure they had a great time when I was the butt of their jokes, and I’d guess it wasn’t just the one voyeur dude who was irate after getting called on the carpet. I’ll never know, but every now and then I wonder what really went down. All I did was ask their commanding officer to educate them better. Who the hell knows how that played out, but hopefully for the best.

Even years later I’ll bet that they remember me even if they don’t want to. Amazing men really, in a lot of ways. I mean really, it was dangerous to even put me around pilots, since I love airplanes so much. And the more rare or fast that they are – I’m already wet. All those dudes were bred on a steady stream of “Top Gun” and with good reason. Then to see how they really view women, how they treated them, including me – hello assholes, we’re not “naturally inferior” and emotions don’t make anyone weak – it’s a different kind of intelligence. And there are plenty of women who love sex and intimacy – that makes us human, not whores. Just because we enjoy it, doesn’t mean we will enjoy it with anyone or everyone.

I do still feel lingering shame that I had sex with that one pilot in the bed he normally shared with his wife. I feel dirty and awful about it, and besides that it was pretty boring sex. I faked it to hurry things along – it was just the human contact that I was desperate for, that full body connection even for a few minutes when I was so crashed out with suicidal depression. Yuck. He initially presented as single, and then he bragged about having sex with pretty much anything that walked. Ewww, and they consider women to be sluts and whores? And seriously, if there’s one thing I’ve learned: arrogance = not good in bed. It’s not that difficult, and what’s not to love about making your partner go out of their mind with happiness? Not that I will any time soon, because due to a combination of trauma and heartaches and too many complications, man has been replaced by machine in my bedroom. Battery powered means it will always do the right thing, on so many levels.

And now wars are flared up all over, and education means nothing in times of combat. We’ll just move along and wish them all safe journeys and be everlastingly grateful that I won’t ever have to see any of them again. Holy fuck the shit I get myself into. Even now that life has gotten calm and peaceful again, I worry about going back into that soul sucking hellhole of depression, and the horrible wreckage that accompanied the downward spiral.

I am so grateful to be back to normal, as much as I ever am. lmfao. Never boring though, and never bored. Regrets though, yeah I got a few of those, along with some gnarly stories. And after an enormous amount of work, look how everything has changed for the better, yay!!!

Love to all


Primitive Love Rites – Mondo Rock
Hold On, We’re Going Home – Drake
Cool Scene – The Dandy Warhols
Dance With Me – Alphaville



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