The force of a memory

The most amazing opportunity came up – not sure if it’s viable or if I’ll take it, but it would certainly change my life completely. What a relief to only have one job, instead of my normal two or three, and to be making more money than I ever have before, and the opportunity to make tons more. I don’t want to get attached to material shit or dinero, but a few good pieces of gear would make me very, very happy. I can’t shake the feeling of being far behind – all those years of being really sick and not functioning that well or achieving much, now I’m playing catch up in many ways.

Speaking of which, I never fantasized about a wedding day because A.) I could never bear the thought of my creepy ass dad walking me down the aisle. And B.) I wanted to be an independent artist since I was little, and marriage was only ever a means to change my despised last name – who’s going to marry a bipolar woman anyway??? I finally figured it out though, how I would like to get married if I ever did. It would be in the winter around the holidays, when everything is sparkly and lit up, and people are filled with some general goodwill towards the world – perfect energy to make a new beginning. I would wear white velvet so that people would want to touch me, and somewhere in there would be a hot tub in the snow with a hot naked dude, preferably a wicked smart one who has mad bedroom skills.  I know the chances are slim to none, but it’s a lovely fantasy – and how funny that the image comes to me now after all this time, fully formed and dropping into my head with the strength of a memory.

Ah, so many reasons why I’m a writer. Maybe next lifetime will work out a little better. This one has been messy as fuck. But then again, by the grace of god/goddess/FSM/Etc., I’m still here, so I guess you never know. Magical things can happen at any moment, and call me an idealistic fool, but I do believe in all the warm and fuzzy stuff. Based on what’s happening to me lately – wow. So happy, no matter how it comes out. Plus, I got excellent birthday sex and a shopping trip to Powell’s, yay!!!

Neither the good or bad times last forever, and dear god I appreciate when things are level or on the good side. What a miraculous relief. Now if I can spread a little happiness while I’m up, I will feel even better. Maybe it will help me make it through the holidays, since just thinking about them this year make my stomach clench with sadness. Skiing needs to happen, that will help too.

Love to all

All Alone On Christmas – Darlene Love
She Won’t Be Home – Erasure


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