Fear the shoehorn

There are a few things that I know trigger me – I’ve worked through a lot after many years of effort, but a few just won’t go away. A big one is the female exam, so whimsically called the “Pap Smear.” I scheduled it for my last day of vacation when I thought I would be relaxed and chill. It was with a sweet older female doctor, and I thought it would be fine. It’s been so long, I’ve been so careful, and worked incredibly hard to be healthy and present in my life – and oh god. Being in that position of complete vulnerability, it just broke me this morning. She couldn’t finish the exam, I couldn’t stop crying, it was awful.

The worst part is that it’s no single thing that I can put a finger on, it just is. Maybe it was the cold rigid nature of the metal shoehorn thing they use? I don’t know. #wrecked


Much Too Young – Garth Brooks

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