The searing light of reality

One of the worst things is waking up and the first thing you think is “Holy fuck, what did I do???” Whether it’s opening your eyes to see an ICU sign and equipment everywhere, or the cold light of sobriety giving everything the searing dose of reality. So it went this morning. I should have realized how deeply it was affecting me – the suicide of yet another beloved celebrity artist. Reading about that all day yesterday hit me all the way down to the bone, but I’m so used to acting like I’m fine, hoping that my emotions and brain chemicals catch up.

Realistically I know that I’m only ever a few steps away from that dark place of grief and pain, where despair and isolation are like quicksand. It hasn’t really been that long since I came back from the worst example of getting sucked down in it. Then I went out last night, had a few drinks and was surrounded by hardcore sexual activity, and boom, I cycled straight into full manic hypersexuality. It’s not ok, even though it sometimes seems fun as hell in the moment to go out of your mind in that phase. Today I crashed hard and want to crawl in a corner and die. Funny how not much alcohol when I’m vulnerable, and shit gets completely off the hook. I’m incapable of saying no at those times, my brain stops working normally, and waking up the next day is horrific. I didn’t even drink that much – three drinks over several hours but oh my god. I can’t even handle how crazy and irresponsible I acted last night. FML

Down In It – NIN

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