Letting go

What is particularly crushing about losing my car to old age, is not just how much I loved her, but that it puts a huge crimp in my volunteer work. Especially now, when the city is paralyzed by snow, and I should be rallying to staff a warming shelter – the shifts that no one else can work. I don’t mind walking, but I do need to get some sleep, and I wouldn’t be able to get any – there’s no way I can handle the insanity of snow day at work on no sleep.

Doing volunteer work to help others has always been important to me, and it helps my battle with depression in so many ways: It gets me out of my head and focused on something else, it’s good karma, plus I get vital social interaction and to meet cool new peeps. I learn things, I find new interests, and I even met one of my favorite people ever through common interest in amateur radio.

And now, it simply takes longer, is a bit more uncomfortable and inconvenient to do what I need. On nights like this though, when I could be helping – it’s agony to be stranded. My wonderful friend offered the use of her car if I need one, but no one handles the snow like my sweet little old lady – she rocked it in spectacular fashion. Yes, a car is a crazy huge luxury, I know, but on top of everything else, it’s just grief that I don’t feel like I can bear right now.

I don’t know that I can get another car, as the financial and paperwork challenges are currently outside of my realm of possibility. Instead, my sweetheart just sits in her parking spot, accumulating snow while I try to accept that I have to let her go. Saying goodbye has always been one of my biggest challenges, I hate it beyond words. Usually I start a fight or push people away to avoid it, but that doesn’t work with inanimate objects. Well, semi-inanimate, since she clearly ran on love, and definitely had a personality. RIP sweetheart.

Goodbye is Forever – Arcadia


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