Down to your soul

I bought some art today; a tiny painting by a local artist who has a fascinating way with color and form. His style wildly stimulates my imagination, with images I couldn’t ever have dreamed up but completely love. Even better, he incorporates quotes and words into his paintings, which is arguably one of the coolest pairings on the planet.

You could argue that I am not financially in a place where I should be buying art, but in my world, these wee investments are necessary. 1.To show other artists that they are worth it, and to encourage them more than ever that it’s important to keep creating. 2. For the perpetual burst of creativity and color therapy that will now be on my wall, and 3. because as far as addictions go, I could do much much worse.

For local artists that I love: Brenda Dunn, Christopher Bibby, Brent Wear, Jeni Lee, Chris Haberman – and so many more, because there are lots of crazy talented artists around here. I love them all.

Man of Colours – Icehouse
All My Friends – The Revivalists
The Visitors – ABBA
So In Love – OMD

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Impossibly wrecked

I know a lot of people are like me – living paycheck to paycheck, with nothing to fall back on in case of seriously illness or injury. Luckily my housing situation is wonderful and amazing, but I could theoretically get evicted at any time and I need to make better long term plans. I don’t even have a dependable car to live in anymore, if it came to that.

In a perfect world I would take a year off from work, and get my head and my life a little more together. In the real world, I’m exhausted and not sure what the hell to do next. I feel useless and stupid and impossibly wrecked and beyond overwhelmed by technology and politics and ugh living in the city.  Is it wrong to secretly sabotage my bronchitis in hopes it will turn into a terminal case of pneumonia?


Borderline – Madonna

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But that kiss

There are moments in life where you have physical contact with another human and it sears you to the bone, sometimes dropping you to your knees. Those moments of energy exchange that are so intense, you remember them forever.

What are those moments for you?


High Blood Pressure – Dian James
Bearcat – Cecil Garrett
If I Only Knew Then – Jimmy “Soul” Clark

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I printed out the rough draft of my very first complete manuscript; how thrilling beyond words to see the stack of paper, all 219 pages. I don’t care that it’s rough in a zillion ways, and that now it’s time for the yucky editing part: revise, delete, revise, ugh.

But let me say it again that I’m so grateful for this time, for however long it lasts. The peace and space and the tools to stay healthy and work with my creative mediums.

You Can’t Buy My Love – Barbara Lynn
Last Shot – Kip Moore

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How exciting that hemp is finally legal to grow – I dream of being a hemp farmer sometimes. Hemp is an exquisite plant, with an amazing number of uses. I’m hoping the U.S. finally goes into producing hemp in a huge way. For food, for seeds, for fabric, and on and on – and especially for CBD, which has amazing medical applications.

I finally went to get some straight CBD tincture, still super tickled that I can walk into a store and pick up cannabis products of any sort. I’m willing to try anything to try to even out my brain chemicals, but definitely much prefer a natural product or solution as opposed to the pharmacological options pushed by western doctors. This one was made in the U.S., and it’s unflavored so I can add it to anything. It came with a CBD vape pen and let me just say that I tried it and it seems to work unbelievably well for anxiety. It kind of blows my mind that this option was out there, and now is attainable. Yowza.  I only had to wait decades, but better late than never. It’s like an early Christmas present – maybe it’s a portent of more magical things coming. Fingers crossed.


Last Shot – Kip Moore
Guilty – Billie Holiday

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Warm cookies in bed

Having an idealist and introverted nature is challenging when working in public healthcare. Today I finally admitted that I don’t feel up to it and I called in sick and made cookies instead. I sat around drinking hot chocolate and eating warm, caramel moonshine cookies, reading the news from around the world and wondering how to muster the energy and motivation to get up and go to work tomorrow – and knowing there’s really no other viable option.

I guess it’s back to the battle of the daily grind, and doing my best to hide the crippling pain of depression so that I can function enough to afford to even live. Time to update the CV and pray to god/goddess/FSM/BSOC. Maybe an offering of warm cookies as well – they did come out fantastic, even though I had to substitute caramel moonshine for some of the vanilla.

Still Got The Blues – Gary Moore

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Can’t wait

Holiday baking is about to commence – my favorite part of winter. Today was distractions from getting gift boxes together to mail, but tomorrow, by god/goddess, there will be baking. I’m going to make piles of yummy treats to give away as little bits of Christmas kitchen magic.

For the first time in a long time, there’s a Christmas tree in my house, and I love it. The warm white lights, the sparkly decorations; it all makes me feel warm and fuzzy and better, like maybe us artists and dreamers aren’t all just doomed. The wind is crisp and cold, it smells like snow, and I believe in miracles and wonderful things happening. It’s time to put some good energy out there and watch it circle back around.

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – Mariah Carey
Hallelujiah – Leonard Cohen
Pass The Dutchie – Musical Youth


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50,000 words

Holy crap, I did it!!! I’m sleep deprived and my house is a mess, but I made it to just over 50,000 words in 30 days, with about 45 minutes to spare. Phew, I feel so much better about my life. My novel even has a fairly coherent story line – for the most part. It needs lots of work, but first I need to detox from the sugar and caffeine and yowza I’m so excited to sleep. Yay NaNoWriMo, thank you so so so much!!!


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Field research

41,000 words and three days left to finish. Quality had taken a nosedive, and plot quickly devolved into sex scenes – I’ve read so many romance novels and done a lot of field research, so I can crank those kinds of images out pretty quickly, even if they do need heavy editing.

Still though, I think there’s potential in the basic premise, and it’s been crazy amounts of fun to just run with the ideas to see what happens. Where else in life can you do that with impunity except with the creative process?


Better Be Good To Me – Tina Turner
Be Good Johnny – Men at Work
Just Say Yes – Snow Patrol
The Sex is Good – Saving Abel

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Drugs of choice

There’s a long tradition of artists and authors on drugs and I kind of wish that tradition worked for me, but nope, clearly it doesn’t. All those years of using pharmaceuticals, cannabis, cigarettes, alcohol, sugar overload, and finally now none of it works as well as good exercise and stability, for getting creative work done.

Gratitudes today: My ex bf helped me change the tail light assembly on my old beater car, making it actually mostly street legal – it was super fun to work on it, and thrilling when the lights turned on. Thank you to YouTube for the how-to video that I watched before hand.  And much love to the cleaning company that salvaged and cleaned my roofing tools after the fire ruined so much – a good choice of tools made the auto repair so much easier.

We Are All On Drugs – Weezer
Sit Next To Me – Foster the People
Hip to Be Square – Huey Lewis and the News
After All – Collective Soul
I Wanna Go Back – Eddie Money
Closer – Tegan and Sara
Love Will Turn You Around – Kenny Rogers
Shadow of the Day – Linkin Park
California Baby – Katea

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